A Blog of Individualism, Originality and Self Expression from a Daydreamer with a Big Imagination

Sunday, January 16, 2011

How Not To Sexually Please A Woman In Bed

You have the TV remote control stuffed under a pillow so when your moment of amor is over you can immediately turn on ESPN.

I think the fact that I have been married twice says a lot about my relationships.  I wont even try to blame everything on someone else because it does take two. I started thinking about it and these are some of the things that I thought up. Some I am guilty of, and some are for the sake of humor.

How not to please a woman in bed

  • You don't last longer than an ice cube on a black car hood in the middle of summer at high noon. 
  • You change sexual positions so much she starts feeling like she should get a job as a contortionist with Ringling Brothers Circus.
  • You come to bed with black socks on pulled up to your knee's.
  • You drool on your lover while indulged in orgasmic moans and groans due to climaxing.
  • You accidentally pass gas during the sexual act.
  • You mention how much better your sex life is since she ended her affair at the office.
  • If you speak less than two words during your time together.
  • You are ahead in the orgasm department 1,000 to 0.
  • If the only multiple orgasm's in the room are your own.
  • If the only oral sex in the room is because you spoke.
  • You grab and squeeze her breast like a weight lifter would grip a barbell at the gym.
  • Some TV commercials are longer than your foreplay.
  • Satisfying your lover emotionally is giving her a credit card to go shopping afterwards.
  • Sex drive is getting in the car to go hang out with your friends after making love.
  • You still smell like gasoline from your day job as an auto mechanic.
  • You tell her she is the best you ever had.
  • Initiating sex is saying "hey baby will you have sex with me".
  • You kiss like a parakeet eating bird seed.
  • You forget she has a G spot.

A couple interesting facts

Most women have their 1st orgasm by themselves.
Only one third of women who cheat get caught.


Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

I laughed out loud at this, so now I'm a follower. Any man who can admit to passing gas during a sexual gas is my kind of person. ;-)

Dugg said...

What about... "Talk about how much she looks like her mother in the sack?"