A Blog of Individualism, Originality and Self Expression from a Daydreamer with a Big Imagination

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Original Comedy Humor Witty One Liners

nurple dot comAll original funny comical and amusing humor never before gazed upon by your ingenious mind. Hilarious notations taken in short burst of madness spanning 35 years of my life. I have been jotting down my funny thoughts and crazy ideas nonstop since the age of 15.

I recently bought life insurance for my blow up doll.

Men can fake love, but cant fake an orgasm.

I went to a singles bar on Valentines Day and still couldn't get laid.

I got a really good woman, she will be getting out of prison very soon.

Women are a gateway heartbreak.

As a school kid my parents always forgot to dress me in green for St. Patty's.

Please don't confuse that with a sexual innuendo even though it was.

You haven't done it, until you've done it in a cheap motel on a 25¢ coin operated vibrating bed.

My marriage was great until I pawned our wedding rings.

I know people with PHD's That can't grow a cactus.

I am fighting for marijuana reform one joint at a time.

You're broke when your housemates have to front you a pack of ramen noodles until payday.

I am always on the lookout for a future x wife.

Kiss me, my herpes is inactive this week.

A fly flew in my fridge, so I shut the door and walked away.

At this time I would like to thank my parents for not naming me Dick.

It's a bad day in court if the judge is female and on her period.

When I was a teen I discovered cigarettes, drugs and jerking off all in the same week.

I was a perfectly normal kid until my mom accidentally slammed the car door on my head.

When I was a kid the Sears catalog bra and panty section was my porn.

Lately sex around my place has been as scarce as a tube of toothpaste in a crack house.

My very 1st concert was Sonny and Cher in 1972 at the age of 14.

We were so poor I would turn on the toaster before using it to run the roaches out.

If I ever have an erection that last more than 4 hours, I am not calling my Doctor as the TV commercial says to do. I'm going to the nearest, beer joint, bar or night club.

Out of popular demand in the household I finally had to part with my 20 year old Honda Accord. It had about ten bumper stickers on it ranging from political rants to strange and weird slogans. The one that stuck out the most was "I am helping save a planet" which was displayed just above my smoking exhaust pipe.

Even though I don't know Spanish, I set my alarm clock to a Mexican radio station. I turn the volume up fairly loud and sit it on the table at the opposite end of my room. That way I know for sure I will get out of bed and be on time at my job.

Years and years ago someone invented unusually wide sunglasses with little mirrors built into the outer portion of the lens. They were for your safety so you could see what, or who was approaching from behind. One day on my bike casually cruising around Austin a beautiful girl jogged past me heading in the other direction. As I was watching her in my cool new mirrored glasses I suddenly crashed in the back of a parked car. I also broke my cool new glasses.

When I was a teen in the 70's I gave my old fashion naive mother a bunch of pot seeds and asked her to grow them. When she asked why I told her they were for a project in school. Months later we pulled them up and my presumed school project was complete. When she later asked about my grade I grinned and told her it was an A+. (yes, it did really happened)