A Blog of Individualism, Originality and Self Expression from a Daydreamer with a Big Imagination

Friday, December 31, 2010

Original Funny New Years Resolutions For 2011


I don't know how many other people like me just talk a lot of smack when it comes to New Year's Resolutions. I actually gave up on them about 20 years ago. If I were going to have some for the upcoming year of  2011 this would be them. Most of these are about true actual things going on in my life. Others I made up for the purpose of humorous and funny material.

True Real Life Happenings and Thoughts

My New Years Resolution
  • To keep making New Years Resolutions I refuse to abide by
  • Stop smoking cigarettes for the 600th time
  • Never again tell my grandkids Santa is not real
  • Focus more on others screw ups rather than my own
    • Not mow my yard at 3 in the morning anymore
    • Quit flushing my motorcycles old motor oil down the commode
    • Not say I will when I really mean I won't
    • Never again park my friends car in tow away zone
    • Not steal another Jack In The Box car antenna ball from a parked car
    • Remove the "MY OTHER RIDE IS YOUR DAUGHTER" bumper sticker
    • Stop complaining about our corrupt government officials
      • Not wear a "THOU SHALT NOT JUDGE" T shirt to traffic court
      • Stop telling my neighbors teenage daughter Lady Gaga is an alien
      • Turn on a brighter light so I don't put ear drops in my eyes again
      • Never invite over a female friend with a toothache and her period
      • Stop coming home after a party with a pocket full of Bic lighters when I initially left home with only one
      • Change radio stations the next time they play Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin for the 3 billionth time
      •  Never again throw my remote control at the TV screen and crack it because the Dallas Cowboys look like a bunch of idiots on a football field. 
      • Stop tossing a few prank bad luck fortune cookies I bought in the bowl at the front checkout counter of my favorite Oriental Restaurant


      New Year's Resolutions I Made Up

      • Throw away my dead fly collection and start paying at Restaurants
      • Stop giving my Dog cheap beer
      • Quit listening to my Ipod in Church
      • Stop spiking my Ex Mother In Laws coffee with laxative
      • Stop tweeting Bill Gates asking for a loan
      • Not tip the next cab driver that smells like he lives in a garbage can
      • Use deodorant at least twice a year
      • Not wash my work clothes in the dishwasher anymore


      Graphic Courtesy of LifeIsaJoke.com

        2 comments:

        Hansi said...

        Great Blog, and a subject near and dear to my heart. One functions at their best when properly medicated

        funny jokes said...

        is that real lols